you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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