i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
