I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
me + whiskey = a bad person
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
