I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
