After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
