Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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