I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
