also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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