you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
