I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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