are you still at the devil's house?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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