Who did Billy Mays play for?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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