i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
