There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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