Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
