My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
