God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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