Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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