My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize