I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
