his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
