They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
