My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
