they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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