do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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