you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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