And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
