i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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