I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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