I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
