I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
