my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
