the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
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