so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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