Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
