You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
