Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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