The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
