apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
