NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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