Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
