I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
