what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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