dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I supernannyed him into submission
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
