A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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