I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
