So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
