in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
