This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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