don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
