the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
