He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
