I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
