If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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